First encounter this morning:
I’m peaceful. No regrets! (Ok, a twinge, I admit, at the fact: now I blend in, I have “conformed” — as an honest man described the look.)
I’d been aware of the growing relaxation/stress factor over the past month. I’ve got to learn how to transform the numerator’s size so it can keep up when the denominator starts to increase. By Saturday, I was just about too busy with details and planning and riding the momentum of one serious event after another, day in and day out for the past few weeks. Heroes (cough), of course, are not supposed to get casual or careless or otherwise make the kind of clumsy stumbles that sent my cell phone into the washing machine. Not that I rely on text messages as the firmament of my social world or anything like that!
This is it. I recognized the value – the meaningfulness possible as a rescue to a momentary lapse: I shifted into the realm of fantasy. Not only is the future unknown, unpredictable, and uncertain – even its shape has been lifted from perception and any chance of managing it reduced to immediate responsive actions in the here and now.
As I told the new roomie, this is classic: a war of good and evil. The team is separated by circumstances, misfortune, bad luck. Actually, the team doesn’t even know that its a team! All that’s left is do my part and trust that others will do theirs. Do the others know what their part is? In fact, do they even know that they have a part?!
What could I do but keep plugging away at mine? Every few hours I reassembled the drying cell phone. the scroll wheel wouldn’t work, so all I would get was the opening screen: “you missed a call.” Thanks. I could also see the message count climb: 3, 7, 9, 12. After the party it was even worse: 25! Oh dear :-/
Second Encounter (with a neighbor who I’d invited):
No one could tell I was stressed. Ha. The early arrivals were good sports: “What are we doing, they kept asking. “I’m not sure.” A fog of anxiety enveloped me; spreading in ripples….”We’ve got to make the path.” “Dhara will be here in a minute, can you wait?” “Sarbjeet hasn’t heard from me in hours!” “But can you wait?” “Oh great, I forgot the markers.” “For the arrows?” Heehee – where is it that I’m suggesting people might want to go?! What was I thinking when I conceived this stupendously embarrassing idea?
“Steph, what can I do to help you? You seem a little stressed.” Dhara stepped up. Meanwhile, was The Doer of the Deed ever going to arrive?! She got lost. Called me. I didn’t answer! What the &*^%? She went to the police. The POLICE! 🙂 But guess what? She showed up. (Score!)
Third Encounter (another neighbor):
All that old energy is gone.”
(with the caveat, “I get psychic when I’m drunk.”)