As usual, my ambition exceeds

As usual, my ambition exceeds my reach. There are too many things, one has to pick and choose, and that process in itself reveals (and conceals) so much. The necessity of choice doesn’t stop me from posting though, its finding the time. Perhaps, for real, now things will ease up schedule-wise for me. Emotionally, however, I am not so optimistic. So it goes.
This past Tuesday I did the coolest workshop with James and Vangie on problematic moments. My main role was to be there and add in my two cents, based on the reading and writing I’ve done in school on PMs. My supplementary role was in the so-called “simulation” which put people through the steps of the intervention and then cut us loose to process it in the here and now. The clip used was on sexual identity, and my assigned task was to monitor homophobia. I knew that there were ways in which it was a set-up for me, but I was willing to go along with it for the sake of my own and others’ learnings. A PM did happen, and the impact on me was fairly intense. Yet, I did manage myself; and everyone (well, 5/7 participants) had the affective experience of a PM plus the confrontation with internalized heterosexist privilege. That was alright!
But it did get me wondering, again, about how often I am willing to allow myself to be used by a group for the purposes of their learning. Yes, I learn too, there’s no doubt. But instead of resisting that role (which is sometimes an option) with which I am familiar, my conscious choice is often to go along with it, understanding that others (and hence, we) stand to gain more from this choice than alternatives. It’s the aspect of my own internal process that I think is the experience of “the call” as theorized by Marion. My motivation is often to accept what seems given to me by the group’s dynamics.
Then there’s my relationship, and friendships. I would like for them to not be restricted to operating only on this basis – that I’m enacting roles for their benefit. Surprising and unexpected as the role always is (and no matter how much learning is also in it for me), what I need is to be able to explore its manifestation within macrosocial processes and larger discourses based on each of our situated position (based on lineage, heritage, personality and personal history, and all factors of “difference”). What would be cool would be to develop the capacity in these relationships for whatever is given to be reflected upon, stepped outside of, and not limited or restricted to “only” taking up the role that appears. I’d like to be able to reflect openly on the operationalization of my own identity as relational practice with others who are also able to reflect on their own roles and attendant implied larger meanings PLUS think critically about the relational interaction.
I’m feeling awfully damn lonely these days. ­čÖü
I did have a very nice lunch with Ingrid the other day; and Gu Li and I are jamming on this video project. These connections feel good. If you’re patient (and curious) enough you can see my pal Carole with her daughter Deliah. Once you get to the site, click “next” until the 5th pic. This is Carole’s MA graduation. Deliah will move soon to Oregon (Go Grrl!) and the combination of these two events means Carole will be moving overseas as soon as she finds the right opportunity. I’m happy for her and sad for me!

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