Ah, I’ve been divesting myself of things: all those things that accumulate in living space and cause a need for storage.
But I like things; I even want them. For instance, this work of art: A Dream World Glimmers in the Background of the Soul, by Carrie Marrill.
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I struggle most to let go of items having strong associations – values, memories, ambitions, affections . . . it is less the thing and more what it invokes that I hesitate to let go. Will that ineffable quality come back? Can I find this particular inspiration again? Do I need the peculiar juxtapositions of that unique object in immediate or future moments?
One can never know for sure.

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Captain got me a room at the Haddie Pierce House while I waited on my hero to pick me up on Saturday afternoon. He collected me from the Beach Rose Cafe, where I spent several hours – over three days – ensconced online.
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Carleigh is great: “We’ll miss you at that table! You’re like furniture now!” (Hey – follow that dream – get on a boat and go!) Swell Andyman is also awesome, from plugging the food, “Chef Mike doesn’t mess around,” to keeping the place spotless. Both of them impressed me the most interacting with a local man who doesn’t get around so good. Carleigh leapt up from eating lunch on her well-deserved break when Bob entered, got him settled at the table he wanted with his beverage of choice. Andyman kept up a running banter with Bob while tending to his diverse duties. I ate three excellent meals: Jamie’s Favorite Salad, Habanero Chili Chicken Wings, and perfectly-prepared, barely-battered Fried Bay Sea Scallops (sans roll).
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Speaking of food, Daria, the Innkeeper at the Haddie Pierce House, provides a mighty fine spread!
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After fresh fruit (watermelon, strawberries, and canteloupe), cranberry coffee cake, coffee, tea, apple juice and water, Daria served up a delectable peach french toast with peach sauce for the main course, along with precisely crisp bacon. One doesn’t need to eat for a long time after such a feast! The company was neat, too. I wasn’t sure, at first, if there was going to be space for me in the conversation but eventually I found a way in. :-) Rose began with a story about touring mansions the previous day. While they were in the entry waiting for one tour to begin, one of the jets practicing for the upcoming airshow boomed overhead. Someone either looked puzzled or concerned (or might have said something), and Rose announced, “The sound of freedom! Isn’t it wonderful?”
All four at the table were retired military, reservists, mostly, and one is out but still doing work as a contractor. I learned a lot in a short while! For instance, I know a fair amount about how gays and lesbians are treated, but I’d not considered that heterosexuals also have to date within restrictive rules or be punished. I also hadn’t thought deeply about what it’s like for reservists who establish careers, get called up, and then return to careers that need to be rebuilt. Apparently, reservists weren’t really called up for active duty before 1990 (Desert Storm), but if you were in during the late Eighties and paying attention you could see the signs of preparation. And the ambivalence of not wanting to fight/kill/die but also wanting to be called up if others are, instead of being left behind. Because Gayle, Mike and Judy, and Rose had so much in common, I gleaned more insight into some personal elements of a military career than I’ve previously had opportunity.
Who knew, for instance, that “the silly stuff matters most” in care packages sent to soldiers? (Of course it makes sense, but you have to think about it.) They can get most everything these days, it seems, except good coffee and current magazines. Popular Mechanics is a favorite.
“Most military people, if you talk with them,” Gayle explained at one point, “don’t really want to go to war.” “You lose too many people,” someone (Rose?) said. “But you have to be ready,” Mike offered (if I remember correctly). I wanted to know if they thought it could ever be different, if the system could be changed. Being in communication, I explained how the theories show over and over that if you prepare for something, it’s almost as if you invite it, so “if we’re ‘ready for war,’ then others ‘get ready for war’ and if everyone’s getting ready then eventually there will be a war!”
I wish I could say they offered some concrete hope, but – although they acknowledged the point (Gayle, especially) . . . Mike said its about power. I agree that’s how it has been, but haven’t enough people now achieved a certain level of middle-class comfort we could figure out how to do power differently? This was the most interesting part of the conversation for me. I suggested that most people around the world want the same things we have. “What if they don’t?” Mike challenged. Judy wasn’t sure if they really do (want the same things). “Culturally it might look different,” I said, “but at base, people want to eat good food, like we are; live in solid houses, like this one; be able to travel safely; educate their kids; have decent healthcare….how they go about achieving these things might not be the same way we do, they may not look the same in the end, but at base these are roughly the same things.”
We did not exactly arrive at an impasse, but we couldn’t seem to push that topic much further. There was some talk of development in Dubai, the incredibly-disparate wealth of the royal family and hiring of immigrant labor while the vast populace of the country remains in poverty. I wondered if – knowing that they were basically doing similar things to what our ancestors had done (I had the trailer from Traces of the Trade: A Story From the Deep North in mind, a long with all the Indian names along the course of our voyage: Napatree Point, Weekapaug Point, Misquamicut Beach, and Connecticut itself) – instead of perpetuating those habits, those systems…. or looking the other way . . . or taking advantage . . . when Rose labeled the jet engine’s roar as the sound of freedom, I remembered the jet that buzzed us the previous day in Brewer’s Harbor, so low and close to us that the volume was literally painful. I had wondered, then, about the psychological element of warfare, the intention to cause “Shock and Awe.” Do they design those engines on purpose to be so loud? Or just choose not to do the mechanical things that could make them more quiet? Further, what would it be like to anticipate after this sound, another – if one survived the explosion long enough to even hear it? Ultimately, why do we (humans in general, Americans – “my people” – in particular) feel so justified in subjecting other human beings to that experience?
We ended up talking about camels. :-) Recommending that we watch Weeping Camel, Gayle mused that if she “ever stayed overnight with a camel” it would probably break her of the sentiment that “there’s nothing about a camel I don’t like.” I, for one, want a full report!
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Over the past week, I had a couple of long text-message conversations with a friend across the country, trying to sort out how to navigate the intensity of dynamics that had developed so unexpectedly. I mean, I came to sail, not to do intense interpersonal processing! Which doesn’t mean I assumed that there would not be any, but I never doubted that we would work them out. As I grappled with the shock, my friend said, “You’re trying.” I replied, “That can be taken two different ways!” (I found a nautical application, too: “To “try” is when a vessel is hove to, to so trim her sails that she may gather headway and make something to the good.” A Manual of Boat and Yacht Sailing by Kemp and Smith.)
Captain has said it’s a matter of difference in the ways we show concern. I’ve thought it might be more in the ways we show gratitude. I have my “analysis,” as the Captain says. :-/ And she has hers. If we agreed on the nature of the problem we might have had more of a chance, but the initial upset has been ungraspable, or unspeakable, or otherwise uncomprehendable. Captain says crew/captain conflict is typical and common. Yes I’m sure but we are not! Neither of us is oridinary; my disappointment is keen. Which (true confessions) did not help her stress level, at all. :-(
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As I continue to puzzle over this development, it seems to me we’re talking two sides of the same coin: appreciation (i.e., the perceived lack thereof) ~ for what the other is going through and what we believe we give. (”Belief,” writes Ursula Le Guin in The Telling, “is the wound that knowledge heals” (p. 190).)
I have learned tons.

  • I start to forget things and get spacey when my mind is full of thoughts unwritten.
  • I’m easy unless/until a suspicion of being unwanted or not accepted gets going (not new info, just evidence that vein of pain still runs deep) and (!)
  • I’ve got more bounce-back than I ever had before. :-)
  • My coping strategy of poking fun directly at the sore spots (in myself, primarily but also interactively) can be interpreted by others as oppositional, even combative. :-(
  • I really don’t need very much but that little bit is vital. :-/

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Tracking my own emotional ride these past two weeks, I realize I’m a bit like that lighthousekeeper who really wanted a son. First, prudence (of course my needing to finish that paper onboard was going to rub the wrong way), patience (we have plenty of time to let things sort themselves out without getting too worked up about them), hope (”we had a major breakthrough,” I texted a friend after the Captain told me she was feeling better), then despair. :-(
Still working on “the little fox way over there.” (Or was it Hog?)
I learned more about sailing too, and my attraction to it. I like the role of doing the manual labor without devoting hours of intellectual labor to the comprehensive tasks of outfitting the boat and the constant challenge of navigation.
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I think I could grow into these skills, given favorable conditions to develop them at a natural, experiential pace. There’s just too much else going on in my mind/life with accumulated momentum and ambition for me to divert the kind of resources necessary to be assertive about sailing without tangible support and conducive opportunity.
The Captain told me, several days ago, that I sail better when I actually look at the sail – an activity she thinks I do (!) when the awning is down. If I did glance at the sail more often when it was easy to see, that didn’t mean I knew what I was looking at! Even when she would tell me what to look for, I still did not develop a sense of meaningfulness regarding what I saw. I have experienced this often in relation to the terminology and jargon of sailing (boatbuilders, types of boats, names of parts, etc) – I understand the words but do not comprehend their relevance. The evidence is in not making the connection between what’s been said and what’s happening or what one wants to make happen. I experience those moments (which occur in other, non-sailing contexts too) as if there’s a kind of fuzz between me and comprehension. I perceive something on the other side, but there is a lack of clarity, a welter of interference.
That I perceive the fuzziness at all is (actually!) an accomplishment to celebrate. :-) In the past, either I would assume I did understand (and be wrong), or I would assume the other person didn’t know what they were talking about (and be wrong). Neither attitude led to satisfactory relational outcomes. The fact that I now realize when I’m not clear on something is a measure of significant growth. Next, I need to get better at developing a range of strategies for interacting with others while I am in this ambiguous condition. My primary tendency is to just accept that this is where I am – probably an overreaction of passivity to counter the myriad of instances in the past in which I would attempt to exert control over confusing situations.
However, I suspect that relaxed stance might lead to more confusion or misunderstanding in the relationship, as it interacts, communicatively, with the other person(s) perceptions and strategies.
My peak achievement, on my last sailing day, was to manage both the tiller and the main sheet simultaneously. The Captain and I had perfected a tandem routine in which she would work the tiller and tell me when to pull in or let out the sheet, including how much or how far. Coming in to harbor from Rome Point that day, she was just unwell enough to give both tasks over to me. Uh oh, I thought, another test! :-) But this time – finally – I actually had a sense of what to do, how to combine the priority of keeping the sail full with adjustments in aim. Yippee!
Last but not least, I learned how to flemish the lines.
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