Sam: February 2006 Archives

It's a weird sense of presence - his absence. I note things I want to tell him, catch myself thinking about the next visit ... remember odds and ends, tidbits of memories from this story or that anecdote. Received emails from various folk, "Sam's People". He put so much fun and love and all-around good feelings into circulation. :-)

The formal obituary with details of his life will be submitted to the papers soon. Lee asked me for some kind of something...what I wrote doesn't follow the obituary format so probably won't be included:

Six Rapscallions gathered again at La Guarida last night to dissect The Constant Gardener. A seventh left before the movie, not wanting to "ruin it" for the rest of us by talking through it. As if! Some of us struggled with the British brogue and the low/muffled sound of much of the dialogue. After the first rewind and debriefing (in which it was determined only 30% of us "caught it" the first time around) we turned on the captioning. Oh my.

So said my fortune from Chinese dinner on Tuesday night. Lee, Pat, Phil, Lorraine and I completed the clean-out of Sam's belongings yesterday. The weather could not have been more congenial for moving. Did Sam plan it all? :-)

The staff at Eden were wonderful. Many came in to share condolences and reminesce: his editorship of the newsletter and presidency of the resident's council, all the teases (too too many to recount!), his attention to detail and concern for fairness. "It will never be the same," one aide said. Several folks from Eden are working on tributes to Sam for the next newsletter; I'll share that when it comes out.

Sam's largest plant was placed in the downstairs windowbay, by the lobby. May it thrive.

"Peace is a fabric and people must work their way into the fabric," says Sam. One man cannot make world peace by himself, but he can find inner peace without the help of others.

~ Inscribed on the back of this double exposure by Evan when he was as middleschooler at Hilltop Montessori. The deck is the upstairs balcony at Sam's home in Putney.

And here's an old photo of Sam with all his siblings. Sam would be the one rubbing his eye. Such a cutie-pie!!

Sam's body was cremated today. Lee dressed him up all spiffy, and included three pinecones from the land around his Putney home and a few other special tidbits.

He couldn't have choreographed it better, leaving on a wintry Vermont night under the full moon. Lee didn't know that Sam had told me way back that he wanted to leave listening to Mahler - she mentioned to me that she'd taken some CDs over to the hospital and that was one of them. It all just came together. I hadn't remembered this until Lee said how much Sam loved Mahler - it sparked that memory from Sam's first year in the nursing home, when we spent so much time talking about death.

I spent several hours with Lee at Eden Park. She's been taking care of business: paperwork, at the funeral home, serving as the communication node for everyone, and sorting through his stuff. One of the nurses, Sue, came in. She was on vacation last week. It was hard on the staff here that Sam went over to the hospital because they weren't able to say goodbye. It was the right decision under the circumstances, but hard all the way around. Dani and Paul came in and we toasted Sam, remembered many special moments. We listened to Marvin Gaye. Danced. Laughed. Just like Sam would want us to. Paul said, "He didn't want nobody to feel bad for him!" Lee described Sam's parties - how "he always wanted all of his friends to be friends with each other: the circle of Sam."

There are so many memories in this room, with Sam's belongings. I remember painting his wheelchair - we made it groovy. :-) That first year I visited every Wed night after hours (!), and we'd talk and hang and talk and laugh. Sometimes we'd watch movies - his favorite of all time, The Princess Bride. We once gave him Nosey Parker. Some ofher movies we enjoyed together: Being John Malkovich, Adaptation, Fight Club... and then the music. Josh Groban, Johnny Adams, Annie Lennox, Gregorian chant, opera, blues, on-and-on...so much happiness here.

Lee hasn't taken the paintings down yet. It's odd to walk in here and feel Sam and know he's gone. He sure claimed this room! His energy's still in it, in his things and the memories they spark. In us.

The Immigrant Solidarity Network is organizing protests TOMORROW against upcoming repressive anti-immigration legislation.

Specifically, protests in Pennsylvania tomorrow will try to raise public awareness about H.R. 4437 Sensenbrenner-King, which passed the House of Representatives last December. According to the email I received, the bill will

"***make any relative, employer, student, coworker, co-congregant, or friend of an undocumented immigrant into an “alien smuggler” and a criminal. The legislations “smuggling” provisions go way beyond any common sense definition of a “smuggler,” and include average people going about their business. For example, it makes criminals out of the: soccer mom who drives her neighbors to the grocery store, the local ESL teacher, the neighbors who has a live-in nanny, landscapers who drive workers to jobs, etc.

***To require employers to verify workers’ legal status, without providing access to legal workers through immigration reform."

Sam used to recall the discrimination, verbal epithets, vandalism and threats of violence his family experienced as immigrants when he was a boy. Maybe that's one of the factors that played into his deep conviction that people are people and borders are a nuisance at best and a curse at worst. His interest in politics never flagged, although he was more prone to just go out and help people become friends rather than engage in direct collective action. He would support and encourage us to do it, though, wanna bet? (If anyone knows of his participation in public rallies like this I'd sure like to learn about them. Did he have a civic action phase?)

“He’s gone, Steph.” Lee's voice was thick just before 7 am this morning. "A nurse came in at 4:30 and told me." Lee had dozed off in the hospital bed next to Sam, who hadn't really been "with it" since her arrival yesterday. He had been responsive when the Eden staff made the decision to send him to BMH but Lee's not sure he was aware of her presence - at least, he was no longer able to give any signs. His decline began during the night shift Thursday night/Friday morning. Lee told me last night about the excellent care Sam was getting from the staff at Brattleboro Memorial; she was glad he was there being ministered to so attentively.

An email from Pat late last night said Lee "is his angel for now til he gets to the real ones..."

It will take a while for scheduling any kind of event. Sam had some specifications about what he did/didn't want...have to work those out.

Lee was imagining Sam in his VW, driving around Vermont, wearing jeans, and getting out to walk around with his hands in his pockets.

I remember our last few conversations, in which he expressed gratitude for our friendship, and told me to "get on with your life." Of course, that is what he will want us all to do. Lee summed it up: "A lot of people loved him. He will be missed."

when Lee and I were going through these slides with Sam, I had the weirdest moment....that looks like my mom, that's my dad! Those are my parents! In the backyard of our house in Denver. :-) It might have been Sam's last visit before we moved to Florida...circa 1976.

Captain Neary appears as a young 'un in this photo with Sam and a family in ... Turkey? I forget. Lee knows!

Alvino, is this you? We weren't sure and Sam's vision isn't clear enough to tell...

And here's a great shot of Sam in his Putney living room.

Well all, Sam's back in the hospital with another urinary tract infection. They have not been kind to him. Send thoughts. Meanwhile, enjoy these pix:

Young Sam blurred. Lee and I had fun checking out the hairstyles, glasses, and other fashion trends. :-)

I know those of you who know Sam will not be surprised, but he's going to give a strong and unyielding show 'til the end.

I tried to upload the slides tonight but there's some technicality I can't quite figure out. Darn.

Anyway, I saw him yesterday. Just as I arrived, Tom was leaving. We met in the parking lot, and he explained he's created a letter board for Sam that has the letters listed in order from most used to least. Sam's first words? "Fuck Me."

I needed a lesson though, as Sam and I struggled to use the durn thing. I should say, I struggled. It was uncomfortable to feel myself being mother hen-ish trying to confirm that a particular letter was a "yes" or a "no". :-( Eventually, I did get the beginnings of what Sam wanted to tell me, but by then about two hours had passed. In the meantime, he squeezed my hand to let me know he still thought I was alright, even I was a bit slow with the letter board. :-) He's still Sam.